Inspiration and Provocation

General Quotes

Lewis Quotes

Amusing Quotes

Descriptions

Highly Selected Amusing Quotes

Most of these have been bouncing around the Internet for quite a while. I've selected only my top favorite "ROFLs" for this elite page! Most I owe to my buddy Nate Kling. Thanks, Nate!

PS - I can't verify the authenticity of any attributions, so if you think you've been quoted wrongfully, please look for someone else to sue!

One of the fascinating things about nostalgia is how well it ages.

• Josh Lambert, PaknTreger No. 57, p.44

Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash.

• Earthy wisdom

As I've Matured...

• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
• I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
• I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
• I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

• Albert Einstein

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.

• Calvin and Hobbes

ABOUT STATISTICS

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde

"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure."
Mark Twain

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
Benjamin Disraeli

"Then there was the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches."
W. I. E. Gates

INTELLECTUAL TAUNTS AND INSULTS

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

• Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

• John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

• Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

• Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

• Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

• Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

• William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

• Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

• Moses Hadas

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."

• Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

• Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

• Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."

• Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

• Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

• Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

• Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

• Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

• Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

• James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

• Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

• Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

• Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

• Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

• Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

• Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

• Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination."

• Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

• Billy Wilder

You have to let the brain do the work and not overpower it by thinking!

• Jayanthi Giri, during an on-line chat, 4 November 2003

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

• Nathan Kling's email sig, possibly quoting someone wiser and more experienced than himself.

Redneck man pick up lines - a small, very careful selection

4) Do you have a library card?
.........................................cuz I'd like to sign you out.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here...
......................................... but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
......................................... Woman - "WHAT?"
......................................... Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

12) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner!

• Redneck email circuit, courtesy of...
  .........................................who else? Nathan Kling